Hearing those four words, "You have breast cancer" was earth shattering. I remember the day I found out I had cancer vividly. I'll never forget it. It's imprinted in my mind. I sat on it for a while before I told anyone. Hoping maybe they got it wrong or I heard the Radiologist on the phone wrong. Denial. The Radiologist was so matter-of-fact about it. Not sensitive or a simple, "I'm sorry" or "You're going to get through this." I know that's what you're taught in the medical field, but a hug would have been nice. Or at least a little more compassion. That was a tough call to receive.
After crying and sitting with myself and asking God to please let me live, I got up the courage to call my husband at work. He was an hour away so I had to tell him over the phone, I remember his deep sigh and not knowing what to say besides, "I am so sorry. I'll be there as fast as I can. I'm coming home to be with you." He was truly devastated. There were no answers at this point. No stage of cancer, no scans yet to determine how bad it was or if I was going to live or die. We just didn't know how to process this heavy news. It was a lot. We sat there together and we took it all in trying to wrap our minds around it. What were we going to do? How would we tell the children, our families and friends? How would we go about all this? Would I choose treatments? How do I decide what is right? There's too many options to decide. It all seemed daunting. I didn't know it at the time, but I had some time to figure all this out and carefully execute and research each decision. What I know now would have helped me a lot back then and that's why I share with you what I can. Maybe it will help someone else.
I avoided my mom for the day and tried not to tell her over the phone but she knew with that mama's heart that something was wrong. She called me the following day and asked how my mammogram went. I didn't want to tell her over the phone but I had no choice. She knew and could hear it in my voice. She wasn't going to wait. I said, "Mom, I have breast cancer." She cried out, "No, not my baby!" I'll never forget the pain in her voice and how she would have taken this for me in a second. But it wasn't her fight, it was mine, I had to step into the boxing ring and fight like hell. Blood, sweat, pain and tears. I could hear her sobs through the phone and we cried together. I was happy to be able to let the emotions out when telling friends and family instead of being strong and stale like with the Radiologist.
We decided not to tell our teenagers until a few days later. They could sense something was off but they didn't know what it was. I sat them down at the kitchen table and told them. They didn't really know what to say or how to react. They were sad but had a brave face. My son was 16 and my daughter 14. I reassured them I was going to be okay and would beat this even though I didn't know the specifics of the diagnosis yet. I downplayed it for them because I felt I needed to be brave and protect them from the reality of it all. I was only 41 at the time of diagnosis so it was a heavy hit for my family.
I decided from day one after the shock, I would approach this thing the same way I did everything else, with the same happy and positive attitude that I've had my entire life. I would still laugh, joke, have fun and enjoy life. This was NOT going to beat me or my personality. I would NOT change for cancer. I would beat this thing up and attack it, not the other way around. I would not lose unhappy days that would be gone forever to this monster. I would make the most of it. There was no other path for me but this one. I had to be here for my kids and I would not take NO for an answer. But I wouldn't do it with a sour, feel sorry for myself attitude either. I would be happy and grateful finding the positive in this no mater how hard and trying that would be and know in my heart that God gave me cancer for a reason. He has Got me and His plans will prevail. I would be as brave and strong as needed. The saying, "You never know how strong you are, until being strong is your only choice."- Bob Marley. This one is absolutely fitting. I felt this deep in my soul.
Are you reeling from a diagnosis or illness? Does it seem too heavy of a burden? I promise you it will be okay. It may not feel like it right now. Take some time and sit with it like I did. It's all going to work out. God has got a plan for you too and He never gives us more than we can handle. It may take some time to get there, but you will. Sending you all my love and prayers for whatever you're going through. Thanks for being here with me. Have a good day my friend.